I thought that being miserable every other day was as good as it was ever going to get for me. I had come to realize that love and trust were not meant to exist in my world. That no matter how hard I gave in a relationship, be it friendship or intimate, someone always would take twice as much. There is always that ONE person that is expected to forgive, love, trust, no matter what the circumstance. All my life I have been that person. The one who put there dreams and aspirations on hold to be there for the people i love. The one who answered the phone at 2am and would drive half asleep to be there while a friend/lover cries. (when might I add, has never had anyone offer this to me). And now, after ending that chapter of my life, with .........(rather not say names) and starting something new, I've had an epiphany......That maybe I am worth it.
I met someone who loved me for who I was. Who made me feel like no matter what I did or what I said, that I was perfect for them. I wasn't looking for anyone when I found him, and it wasn't easy for me to let him in with his, "I love you, you are entirely too wonderful, why me of all men you could choose from?" And I have to admit, I definitly never made it easy for him... I thought that maybe I had found that person who would want me, no matter what. Who jesus, wanted me as much as I wanted them. It was the best feeling in the world loving and being loved in return. For the first time In my life..Wait..I won't say I dont care,because believe me I really do Care. I've realized -you hafta take care of you-. That no matter what preconceived notions some past relationship put into your mind, you are always capable of change. That you are never limited to what they said or thought. I now wake up everyday knowing that well, I have no idea whats going to happen. That somedays are going to be a little harder than the day before. That people are going to take from me as much as I let them, and that I have to be the change I want to see. I love everyone too much, and maybe sometimes I care a little too much. I now do not blind myself to a great thing, I put myself out there no matter what the cost, and at the end of the day, whats the worst than can come from trying? All I have to say is that the person who could give you all the happiness in the world, is right in front of your face...You just have to get over your fears.