First Time Feeling...

I'm glad that I'm not the only one! I have changed even more now since, well since things have occurred. I can admit that I am too nice and I get upset with myself, but when I realize the person has taken advantage of me, oh boy, it's on! I have kept myself distant and I haven't even been socializing. I just feel I cannot trust anyone and think they are full caca. Everybody always has a hidden agenda. Maybe one day I will begin to trust again, just don't know when :-( It's not just that i have difficulty letting people in, it's that i have difficulty letting people stay close to me. the more you know about me, the more you can injure me. scares the sh*t out of me. I do like to mingle but generally will not talk about my personal life unless I am among longtime friends. I think this comes from a shyness that I try to hide most of the time. I'm a puzzle box I've had to become one since I discovered what true, suffocating, emotional pain was. I am very selective about letting people get close to me and with the fear of manipulation or of being hurt again still hanging about to a degree, I can't say I see that changing too soon. How do I determine who gets close? A mixture of instinct, common sense and looking at people with what I call the Second Sight. Seeing almost to their core and feeling if the aura is healthy or dark and spiteful. I used to want to take the whole world at its best. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt out of sheer stupid innocence. I will not make that mistake again. I'm not sure if it's fear of rejection anymore but I used to struggle with that. I guess I'm selective because I try to put my all into my inner circle and those I'm close to and I want to be sure those people are well worth my time. Trust also is a factor probably. Those I let in are those I feel strongly about and my selectiveness is mainly on a heart level. I'm not always level headed or practical with those I let in. Sometimes I make mistakes or get hurt because of this. But to me they were worth my time because I loved them or really cared about them and they had a special place in my heart.